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The taboo often turns to kink, and cuckolding is no different. Historically the term applied to situations where a woman was unfaithful to her husband without his knowledge. This term morphed from Middle English and is thought to have been derived from the cuckoo bird, some of which are known for laying eggs in the nest of other birds, whereby those birds would feed and protect the cuckoo offspring as their own, thus another male is unknowingly expending energy and resources raising illegitimate young.
The dynamic is also known (albeit to a lesser degree) as “wearing the horns.” Referred to most famously in Shakespeare’s “A Midsummer Night’s Dream”. Historically stag horns represent virility, and the term is thought to represent the husband’s subordinate position to the unknown male partner, existing beneath the virility of the other man.
Inherently sexist, the term cuckolding has almost universally applied to the masculine partner. Historically male infidelity was a given, an understandable and accepted fact of life however for a woman to behave in a similar manner was not only life threatening for her but deeply humiliating to the male.
Cuckolding has symbolic and sometimes practical roots serving purposes of lineage affirmation, social hierarchy reinforcement, and, ironically, in sexually open communities, even bond-strengthening exercises. Today, it has evolved into a consensual, intimate portrayal of power exchange where emotional fulfillment often trumps physical pleasures.
Within the kink community there are several other elements that are sometimes included in a broader definition of cuckolding. Do they officially count? There’s no definitive answer. I’ll leave mentions here should you wish to make your own decisions!
Tropism is defined as “sexual activity in which one person (a troilist) enjoys observing their usual partner in sexual activities with a third person” by the American Psychological Association. So definitely falls under our umbrella of discussion.
Further, the term is also applied to “any sexual activity involving three people simultaneously.” American Psychological Association. More commonly known as “Ménage à trois”, or even more commonly known as a “threesome” the definition of “involving” is a bit vague. One could certainly argue the presence of a third person to be participation, while the possibility of this term being limited to active participation (i.e. touching) may also be a factor. Does it count? Inquiring minds want to know!
While there is a obvious correlation between ENM and cuckolding, ENM relationships are far more broad and while they can include cuckolding that is not necessarily the case, so becomes unhelpful to our discussion.
Another modern dynamic that relates to the discussion of cuckolding is Hot wifing. In this practice swingers engage in sexual activities with other partners however in contrast with swinging the woman is the only person engaging in these activities. This practice more closely connects to cuckolding however is more connected to the swinging practice than the BDSM intentionality of cuckolding and is generally considered a more “vanilla” version of the same orientation.
Consent and clear communication are essential within a healthy cuckolding relationship. Open, honest dialogue, understanding each other’s boundaries, and the concept of aftercare post-kink are crucial elements in the cuckolding dynamic. It is critical that these boundaries and limits be established well in advance of any BDSM play and respected throughout every experience.
These secure parameters can foster deeper levels of trust and intimacy, paradoxically offering a safe space to explore vulnerability and strength within a relationship.
One way of addressing the social conditioning of these crippling societal stereotypes is Tantra, read more here!
Although gender is not necessarily a deciding factor when considering the definition of cuckolding, it bears exploring bisexuality within the concept. Situations in which one partner is excluded from the sexual activity of their partner with a third party of the same gender can include elements of cuckolding while also incorporating ENM and Troilism. Ultimately whether or not this practice is included in the definition of cuckolding lies in the psychology of the parties involved.
Cuckolding, much like all aspects of human sexuality, is in a state of flux. With increasing awareness, the practice. in BDSM is morphing to align with the changing dynamics of gender and sexual fluidity. With it comes broader and more tolerant perspectives, promoting discussions demystifying cuckolding and potentially appealing to a wider range of audiences.
This evolution, however, also demands a more nuanced conversation about consent, boundaries, and the implications of this growing openness. The key is to balance the thrill of discovery with a strong ethical compass, ensuring that mutual respect and understanding remain at the heart of the cuckolding experience.
For further reading and contemplation relating to BDSM and cuckolding, the references are not a comprehensive ledger but a starter’s guide into the rabbit hole of cuckolding in BDSM. It’s an invitation to learn, to unlearn, and to engage in discussions that can bring us closer to wetting our parched understanding of the human sexual psyche.
Suggested Works:
Many people would be hard pressed to define cuckolding. What does it mean, where does it come from? For those who do have a sense of the meaning, how does the work? Who does it? How do you engage with it? So many questions!
Explore the article below for greater clarity on the subject of cuckholding, particularly as it relates to the world of BDSM. My hope is that you will leave with some of those questions answered, and even perhaps ideas about how this type of play can enhance your own sexual exploration.
Throughout the historic humiliation of cuckolding, the taboo has evolved into a common kink of today. Although the play can pertain to various gender scenarios it is culturally understood in relation to the arousal of the masculine party by their partner having sexual contact with another party
Cuckolding, due to its inherently sensitive and sometimes controversial nature, has suffered some gross misunderstandings. There’s been a tendency to depict it as a betrayal or perversion. For many, the term cuckolding conjures emotions, from curiosity to incredulity, and a vibe of secrecy, intrigue, and some shock.Although open relationships/polyamory do, in some scenarios, include this dynamic, cuckolding has distinct elements of it’s own. It’s important to distinguish consensual cuckolding within BDSM from real-life infidelity. The former is an agreed-upon aspect of a relationship that enhances it, whereas the latter breaches trust and can be devastating.
Situations typically involve the “cuckold’s” knowledge of the infidelity, and a resulting sexual excitement.
This can happen in many forms and can run the gamut of communication, sexting, phone calls to someone outside of the relationship, to the presence of all three (or more) parties in the same sexual situation, with the male partner being excluded from contact, witnessing the sexual contact with another male, often referred to as the “bull.”
This is not always the case however, there are definitely women who are aroused by the fetish as well!
Another popular flavor within cuckolding scenes is bisexual training which can add another layer of complexity and exploration to the power dynamics at play. This element of the scene involves the cuckold being encouraged or instructed to engage in bisexual activities, often with the bull or another male participant, as a form of further submission to the Dominatrix.
The incorporation of bisexuality serves not only to emphasize the cuckold’s submission by pushing boundaries and exploring desires that may have been previously unacknowledged but also to reinforce the control and authority of the Dominatrix over the cuckold’s sexual experiences. This dynamic can heighten the psychological aspects of humiliation and submission, as it directly engages with societal taboos and personal limits.
It’s important to note that these activities should always be consensual, with all parties having openly communicated their boundaries and given enthusiastic consent. The focus on consent ensures that the experience remains within the realm of safe, sane, and consensual kink practices, allowing all participants to explore these dynamics in a healthy and fulfilling manner.
There are several elements at play when considering the allure of cuckolding within the world of BDSM. Explore these below.
From a biological perspective (at least for the male), “sperm competition theory” postulates that watching the partner engaging in sexual acts with another person increases sexual stamina and fortitude, producing more intense orgasms. The theory hinges on the biological drive to ensure one’s genes are passed on, wherein the male body, subconscious of competition, might respond by producing more sperm or experiencing faster recovery times between sexual acts.
When applied to cuckolding, this theory provides a fascinating lens through which to view the increased arousal and vigor some males report. The resulting enhanced sexual performance is not just a physical reaction. Still, it entwines the deep psychological elements of BDSM, where the interplay of dominance, submission, and the cuckold dynamic magnifies the experience.
From this biological standpoint, the thrill could be the unconscious senses of territoriality and reproductive prowess wired into human brains over millennia.
From a psychological perspective things are more complex and as we know, the brain is the biggest factor in sexuality!
Within the dynamic of cuckolding is an element of yin/yang expression of jealousy and pleasure. Fascinating in it’s ability to experience both simultaneously, the brain can become powerfully stimulated by both seeing the partner being desired by another while also becoming aroused at witnessing the pleasure their partner is experiencing during the act. The tension between these two polarities can create a strong arousal response.
Also within the delightful headspace of cuckolding can be humiliation. This is not always the case, as some partners are very much focused on the voyeurism and satisfaction of their partner, so humiliation is not a factor at all. As a culture however we are very much still locked into the puritanical expression of gender and power, so many of us are programmed from birth to feel infidelity as a judgment of ridicule; not being good enough to please their partner and thus witnessing another, more dominant person taking that role away.
Standing by and watching a partner receive sexual satisfaction is, for some, the ultimate “not good enough” which can be deeply arousing depending on the psychological architecture of the party. The fear of replacement and abandonment can further color these experiences.
Submission can also factor into the arousal, as the relinquishment of power to provide pleasure to the acting partner can in and of itself be a turn on.
In the context of BDSM, rather than conventional stereotypes, cuckolding transcends the purely sexual act of infidelity into a power dynamic, a fetish, an art form, and a service that can embody a range of emotions, from humiliation to adoration.
Peeling back the psychological layers of cuckolding in BDSM unveils motives as varied as human emotion itself. The cuckold might find a form of self-worth through apparent degradation, the cuckoldress in the power and control dynamics, and the bull may be driven by fulfillment of their own sexual prowess.
In the modern era, with the advent of social media and the internet facilitating greater accessibility and discourse of sexual content, the practice of cuckolding within BDSM has gained visibility, calibrating its position within the more substantial range of sexualities and fetishes.
There’s a growing understanding that cuckolding is more than just sexual exploration; it’s about commingling trust, consent, and self-awareness.
The sensitive and inclusive discourse around it seeks to celebrate and understand the diversity in human sexual needs and desires and how these desires are negotiated within personal and societal contexts.
However there exists some toxic elements in culture, particularly in the incel community have popularized the term “cuck” or “beta cuck” as an insult to men who are deemed less masculine or who do not display arrogant dominance over women.
Conversely, it regularly is one of the most searched terms on popular porn sites, so despite the stigma the allure is undeniable!
For BDSM practitioners the key is to balance the thrill of discovery with a strong ethical compass, ensuring that mutual respect and understanding remain at the heart of the cuckolding experience.
One resource I have found particularly interesting in my readings on this subject has been Christopher Ryan’s “Sex at Dawn” suggests that monogamy is a relatively recent societal expectation rather than a natural human state. The authors argue that ancient humans likely engaged in a form of sexual communism, where sexual interactions were more communal and less possessive than in current times.
The cuckolding experiences offer an exploration of this state.
Applying “Sex at Dawn’s” perspectives to cuckolding within the BDSM realm reveals a fascinating parallel. It suggests that the arousal and fulfillment derived from cuckolding may tap into deep-seated, prehistoric sexual norms that are not based on exclusivity but rather on the eroticism of shared sexual experiences.
This not only reframes cuckolding from a modern taboo to a practice with ancient roots but also underscores the importance of understanding human sexual evolution in interpreting our present-day desires and behaviors. In this light, cuckolding can be seen as a contemporary exploration of ancient sexual instincts, offering a fresh lens through which to view human eroticism and partnership.
While some controversy exists regarding a potential bias against monogamy, I found the premises of their work engaging as it challenges assumptions and preconceived notions on norms of loving and sexuality in the modern world.
